It is true! Taylor Jones, the hack author, is operating for the workplace of President of america.
In an interview with Clammy Palms of the South Central Idaho Presidential Information Jones stated, “Being President is the perfect job obtainable for a retired previous man. It clearly requires no expertise nor honest effort because the President can encompass himself with gifted individuals all on the expense of the general public. He does not even have to talk for himself as a result of he has a Press Secretary who will all the time maintain the general public guessing as to what the President is considering.”
Clammy Arms stated, “I assume you may be operating as a Democrat?”
Jones stated, “Why do you say that?
“As a child, I exploit to go to the Jackson Day outings on the Lagoon or Saltair Resorts in Utah when my dad was president of the Sage Brush Democratic Membership.
“As an grownup I went to a Republican dinner in Nevada, Iowa with my fellow professor, Dr. Bell.
“I discovered this:
“Each Democrat needs everyone to have a bit of the pie.
“Every Republican needs the pie ALL for himself.
“My paternal grandmother would roll over in her grave if I ran as a Republican, despite the fact that she ought to have been a Republican as a result of her household was on the primary wagon practice after the Pioneer Firm to reach within the Salt Lake Valley in 1847.
“I am operating as a Demopubsocialist, leaning to the suitable after which to the left as wanted.
“I am positive that each events will endorse me as they did my father when he was auditor of Salt Lake Metropolis.
“Like father, like son!”
Then Clammy Palms shook her blond curls and requested, “You have already got every part you want. Why would you need to be President, particularly since President Bush has utterly screwed issues up by beginning Bush Warfare II?”
Jones stated, “I am going to cease the struggle by Presidential Edict. I am going to simply say to the Troop Commanders, ‘Get our boys out of there by sunset!’
“Then I am going to reduce all funding to Halliburton and inform them to get their butts residence on their very own hook and that there shall be an accounting.
“That may maintain Iraq.”
Clammy stated, “What abut Afghanistan?”
Jones stated, “Afghanistan, Banana Stand!
“I am going to get our troops out of there too.
“I do know darned nicely that Osama bin Laden is hiding in Mecca. We cannot discover him on the Pakistan Afghanistan border, will we?”
Clammy requested concerning the prisoners illegally held in Cuba.
“Easy!” stated Jones. “Properly depart the gates open one night time. They’ll be capable of sneak into Cuba correct after which catch a raft to Miami.
“They will disappear into the gang.”
Clammy stated, “Most People are involved concerning the Nationwide Debt. What would you do there?”
Jones stated, “I might depart that for Jeb Bush to deal with when he turns into President.
“In the meantime, the congressmen and ladies should deliver sack lunches. There might be no subsidizing of the Capital Eating places.
“The Congress should pay for their very own journey wherever they go. They may haven’t any expense accounts.
“If their constituents need to see them they may be capable of do this whereas the Congress is adjourned from January 4th till December 19th of every yr.”
Clammy stated, “Do you imply that Congress might be in session for simply a few weeks annually? Who will do the work? Apart from, what congressman or lady goes to need to should work over Christmas and New Years?”
Jones answered, “Not their aids. They will not have any which are paid by the individuals.
“In addition to, we do not want any new legal guidelines. We simply have to burn a lot of the previous ones.
“And I’d add, the constitutional necessities for election to Congress can be modified. You’ll have to be a veteran who’s handicapped on account of struggle and should require a sturdy walker, a wheelchair, or a white cane to get round.
“Even then, you’ll get paid just for time labored in your workplace in Washington, two weeks most on the minimal hourly wage.”
Clammy requested, “Properly, what about public lands and such? Who will govern these actions?”
Jones, “What public lands? The Federal Authorities will surrender title to all federally owned public lands inside 30 days of my election.
“The states could have three months to provide out 360 acre parcels by lottery apart from lands containing good fishing and searching. Fishing and searching lands shall be deeded to the states to be managed for searching and fishing functions solely.
“The lottery winners could have the chance to both promote the land, lease the land, stay on the land or return it to the state to be given out at a future clean-up lottery.”
Clammy stated, “You’ve got nearly received the whole lot coated, have not you? Some individuals are going to say you’re loopy. What about Yellowstone Park?”
Jones replied, “Some individuals know that I am loopy.
“All Nationwide Parks might be given to the Indians of the resident state. They will run them as concessions or lock the gates.”
Clammy stated, “I do know you need to go fishing, however are you able to reply another query? What about Korea?”
Presidential Candidate Jones stated, “I am going to have loads of time to go fishing with Dick Cheney after I am elected.
“I fought in Korea with the 17th Infantry Regimental Fight Group. That warfare is formally nonetheless on. We’re merely at a seize hearth. I am going to simply let the struggle go on because it has been happening since I left.”
Clammy stated, “However they’ve the BOMB and now they will launch new long-range missiles. That may be a actual menace!”
Jones stated, “Don’t be concerned! I am going to have a nuclear sub or two simply off shore. If our spy satellites decide up the warmth of a rocket engine or they spot a missile path, my orders might be to retaliate instantly.
“We cannot have time to guess the place the missile may be headed.
“I am going to warn the North Koreans that they need to make certain their scorching plates do not require greater than 1000 watts. They should not gun the engines of their vans, tanks, or helicopters both.”
Clammy stated, “That is all a joke is not it? You aren’t actually operating for President of america, are you?”
Jones stated, “I’m operating for President of america. Not solely that, I anticipate to get elected.
“I am taking 90 % of the belongings of these company thieves who’ve been stealing from the inventory holders and the tax payers.”
Clammy Arms stated, “And you’ll give that cash to the stockholders and the individuals?”
Jones replied, “Are you kidding? That’s going into these defunct pension plans that the federal government is funding. Sure, all that cash will ultimately find yourself within the arms of previous people the place it belongs.”
Clammy stated, “I assume you’re critical. That about covers it for now.
“However what about your remark about going fishing with Dick Cheney?
“Do not you assume that may harm your probabilities of getting elected?”
Jones stated, “The individuals right here out west will know what I will be as much as.
I’ve received this saying that I discovered from floor squirrel watching:
Should you do not need to get bit by a rattlesnake, you had higher hold your eye on the snake.“
Candidate Jones was additionally requested how he would deal with the unlawful immigrations drawback. He stated because the jumped into his previous pickup, “Puerto Rico is the reply.
Mexicans and Central and South People must raft to Puerto Rico to select up a start certificates earlier than the might immigrate to the mainland.”
Clammy Arms stated he winked at her as he left.
Politics, president, election, Dick, Cheney, workplace, warfare, nationwide debt, humor, rattlesnake, Congress
copyright©2006 John T. Jones, Ph.D.